smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
