i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
