If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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