Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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