i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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