I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
