He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
