Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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