So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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