sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
