Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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