every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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