I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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