ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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