I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
