im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
