I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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