i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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