conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
