You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
