once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
