i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
