is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
