I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
