I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
