Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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