my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
