I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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