dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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