I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize