I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize