god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
