im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
