Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
