i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
