thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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