Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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