Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
