Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
