# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
