do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
