Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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