i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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