I'm really into asian looking animals
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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