But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
