How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
