I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
