I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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