Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
