We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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