I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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