is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
