You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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