Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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