So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
