Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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