my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
