I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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